Is Your Kid Going to be in the 12 Percent?

If you’ve been following us for a while, you know that we talk about parenting with the end result in mind. So what does that look like when it comes our kids’ faith? Author Ron Luce, in Battle Cry for a Generation, says 88 percent of kids leave the church after high school. 

That means only 12 percent of kids raised in Christian homes are going to stay in church when they’re out on the their own.

Think of 10 kids that you know. Can you see their faces? Only one of them is going to stay in church after they graduate.

But why is it that every parent thinks their kid is going to be the one?

So let’s start with the goal. We don’t just want our kids attending church once a week when they’re adults. We want them to have a vibrant and authentic relationship with the Creator. We want them to be filled with the Holy Spirit--able to command illness to leave their bodies, multiply some bread and fish to feed thousands, speak to a tornado cloud and watch it go away. The goal is for our kids to develop the kind of relationship with Almighty God that translates into a powerful life.

AND--we want them to introduce Him to other people. That’s the great commission. But how can they introduce the world to a God they don’t really know?

Last year Kim Walker (of Jesus Culture) came to our church, and my daughter (Jenni speaking) got a chance to talk to her. Skyler (that’s my daughter) wants to be recording artist, so she asked Kim for some advice.

Kim Walker didn't talk about vocal training or perfecting her craft (although those things are certainly important). She didn’t talk about networking or meeting the right people. No--she told Sky to develop her relationship with God “because in worship, you can’t lead anyone to a place you’ve never been.” Brilliant!

So the question is, how can we help our kids develop a deep and authentic relationship with God? Romans 10:17 says that faith comes by hearing and hearing the word of God. What are our kids hearing? Are they hearing the messages of the world or are they hearing the words of the Creator?

Developing a strong worldview in our kids has to be one of our primary goals. Make some popcorn and gather around the TV as a family to watch "The Truth Project" or "Does God Exist?" (both from Focus on the Family). Rent the documentary of Lee Strobel’s bestseller, "The Case for Christ" or Ben Stein’s "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed" (both available on Netflix).

Take your teen to Starbucks once week, find a comfy spot and read the Lee Strobel books together. Talk about it openly over a vanilla chai latte.

Invest in good summer programs or weekend retreats that will teach apologetics. Check out The Upper Room’s Chrysalis retreats, Camp Honey Rock (outdoor experiences), Summit Ministry’s Worldview Academy, Rick Green’s Patriot Academy (strong political slant), Teen Pact (for homeschoolers). There are lots more out there, but these will give you a head start.

If we begin with the goal in mind, we can take deliberate steps to make sure our kids are in the 12 percent, and if enough of us take it to heart, that 88 percent will change.

10 Conversations to Have with Your Teen

Have you ever noticed how often Deuteronomy 6:7 says we should be talking with our kids? When we sit at home and when we walk along the road, when we lie down and when we get up. That’s basically all day!

Sometimes it can be challenging to come up with things to talk about. But we all know its a vital part of developing intimacy--the kind of intimacy needed to disciple our kids.  So we (Jenni and Jody) put our heads together and came up with 10 GREAT conversations to have with your teen.

Here they are, in no particular order. Have a look, and then leave us a comment with your ideas and suggestions.

1. What are the idols of today?

The first commandment tells us not to have any idols that take the place of God in our life. It’s easy to overlook this one and count it irrelevant.  In the Bible, we read about people making statues and worshipping them, but if that’s idolatry, it’s pretty foreign to us, and especially to our teens. 

Clearly idolatry looks different today than it did thousands of years ago, and it can be hard to spot. After all, Satan is described as the most subtle of all creatures (Genesis 3:1). This conversation can help our kids explore the subtle ways that idols can be established in their lives.

2. How does clothing talk? What does it say about the person wearing it? 

This conversation can help our kids explore their own identity and become deliberate about projecting their inner self through careful clothing choices. It can also help them discern important qualities about the people around them.

3. Describe the perfect spouse for you.

Although marriage seems totally foreign to most teens, the fact is, most of them will get married. By having our kids think about the qualities they want in a spouse, we can encourage them to pray for that person and to keep their hearts pure as they wait to meet the one God has prepared for them.

4. What is your opinion of how other kids talk to their parents? How about their siblings?

Our family relationships are a stewardship. A good illustration of how God rewards faithful stewardship is in the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. The faithful servants were rewarded with an increase. When we treat our family members with honor and respect, God rewards us with a long life (Exodus 20:12). Our family is the training ground for our children’s future relationships. If they are responsible with the “little” (treating their parents and siblings well, blessing them, honoring and respecting them), God can entrust them with “much” (a flourishing ministry, career, friends, and a healthy family of their own one day).

5. What does it mean to love your enemies? What does it look like in your life?

Jesus told us to love our enemies. But what does that really mean? First of all, who are their enemies? Then, how can our kids apply this principle to their own lives?

6. What do you think about celebrity gossip? What does God think about it?

What exactly is gossip? What does the Bible say about it? Do the same rules apply to celebrities as to the kids in school?

7. What do you think you are called to do?

Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has a plan everyone’s future. We can (and should) talk to our kids often about what they think God is showing them about their future.

8. Do you know how to recognize a red flag or a check in your spirit?

When things aren’t right, we can usually sense it. But often, we ignore those signals and excuse them away. When you hear stories of kids who were lured into human trafficking rings, they will often talk about how they sensed something was wrong but ignored it. It’s important for our kids to be aware of those inner signals and to take them seriously.

9. Who do you think Jesus meant when he talked about serving “the least of these”? How can you serve “the least”?

This is a conversation about loving people, and specifically, loving people who are in need. Often times these people are rather unlovely. They might be dirty or drunk. They might be in need because of wrong choices. But God didn’t tell us to help only the people who we feel deserve our help. He said we should help the least of all people, and in doing so, we bless Him. You may want to explore The 40 Day Revolution as a family.

Also, to help you with this talk, consider referring to "The Hardest & Darkest: Loving the Unlovable" and "Love Bytes" in the "Love Out Loud" issue of the ONCOURSE eMag (August 2012 Fine Arts Special Edition; see pages 6-7.)

10. What do you think your love language is?

If you’re not familiar with Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, we encourage you to check it out. It will change the way you interact with your whole family.

We can ask our kids what they think their love language is, and then share ours with them. 

Give us your feedback; leave a comment. What conversations are you having that can inspire us?

Deliberate Family Culture

How would you define your family culture? How would your kids define it?

Whether we are aware of it or not--and whether we are intentional about it or not--we are creating a culture in our family by how we spend our time and our money and by what we value.

Have you ever heard the expression, “More is caught than taught?” Our family culture is comprised mainly of the stuff that will be caught. 

For many families, the things that ultimately define a childhood evolve without much thought or planning. And sadly, in our overworked, over-scheduled society, a lack of forethought is allowing many family cultures to be shaped by electronic screens.

Parents are tired, kids are tired, and everyone is zoning out in front of the computer or television, Wii or iPod. According to a recent Kaiser study, kids are spending, on average, nearly 55 hours a week in front of electronic devices.¹

But with prayer, and a little discussion and planning, families can transform their time together and deliberately create a culture that will impact future generations. God thinks generationally, and He wants His people to realize that what we create today will impact our children’s children.

"Tell your sons about it, and let your sons tell their sons, and their sons the next generation” (Joel 1:3, NASB)

As you eat together or talk in a family meeting, pray and ask God to show you His plans for your unique family. Just as He created each of us individually with a purpose, He has a purpose and plan for our families. Examine the interests and talents of the members of your family, and talk about how you can spend evenings and weekends investing in those things.

Your family may be artistic or love the outdoors; you may be great cooks or love to travel. However God has created you, become intentional about spending your time and resources to invest in your family culture.

As believers, regardless of our unique characteristics, we should also be intentional about making our faith the cornerstone of our culture.

We can play Christian music in our homes throughout the day, incorporate a daily time of family devotions, make fellowship and service at our church and in our community a priority and make prayer the first step in every situation.

When we are stressed or worried, letting our kids see and hear us call out to God sends them a powerful message about what we believe and value.

When something great happens and our first thought is to praise God for His favor and provision, we show our kids that God is the giver of all good gifts.

When our children are not feeling well and we pray for healing, we remind them that we serve the Great Physician.

When they see us studying God’s Word, memorizing scripture and speaking the Word over situations in our life, we demonstrate that the Bible is the living Word of God and has the power to bring salvation, deliverance, restoration, healing and freedom.

“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many" (Mark 10:45, NASB).

A hallmark of a Christian family’s culture should be service to others. We model the life of Christ for our children when we when deliberately schedule time as a family to serve people.

We can make meals for new moms or the sick or the elderly. We can mow lawns and help with minor house repairs for widows, single moms and seniors. We can serve food to the hungry, help build homes with Habitat for Humanity or help maintain our local parks.

As you meet with your family to talk about creating a culture, think about your talents and interests and how God can use them to bless others. Then make a plan to build it into your regular weekly schedule.

As families, we can all be salt and light to the world.

Tell us about your family culture…

¹The Daily Green, “Kids Spend Nearly 55 Hours Watching TV, Texting, Playing Video Games…”, January 20, 2010 <http://www.thedailygreen.com/environmental-news/latest/kids-television-47102701>

God Cares About Football

As a new school year approaches, families are planning extra curricular activities. Some are laser focused, weighing all of their options and talking openly with their children and spouses. Others take the roulette approach--spin the wheel and whatever happens, happens. And some stick with tradition; they just keep doing the same things again and again, thinking, Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

The choices we make will either further God’s plan for our kids’ lives or hinder it. God cares about whether or not our kids play football, and He wants us to commit those choices to His purpose. Jeremiah 29:11 says that God knows the plans He has for us (and our kids). And when we seek His direction, He promises to guide our steps (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Middle-schoolers

Middle school is the season for kid’s to discover their talents and hopefully spark a passion. Sadly, many middle school kids choose activities based on what their friends are doing. As their parents, we need to counsel them wisely, and when necessary, make choices for them that we believe will best serve their futures.

When sitting down with middle school kids, walk them through a series of questions to help them discover which activities are best:

•     Why do you want to participate in this activity?
•        Do you know anyone else who is doing it this year?
•       Have you researched it? What are the challenges? What are the rewards?
•     How much time is required?
•      What is the cost for the year?
•      Are there opportunities to advance and grow in the activity?
•       What do you hope to gain from it this year?

Chances are, if your child can’t answer many of these questions, he or she is not motivated by genuine interest. On the other hand, if your kid gets fired up during this discussion, he or she will benefit from the experience even if it doesn’t stick as a long-term activity.

High-schoolers

By the time your teen reaches high school, you should have a good understanding of his or her true interests and talents. If that’s not the case, seek God earnestly with your son or daughter and ask the Father to reveal His plans. With just four years of final preparation before college or work, this is not the time for guessing games.

As your teen is planning the year’s activities, ask a lot of questions. He or she will need to make his or her own choices, but you should have final veto power.

• How does this activity fit into your high school plan?
• What skills and experiences will it offer that will help you after high school?
• What relationships will you form that can help in the college or job search?
• Does it offer scholarship opportunities?
• Can you progress and grow in this activity, achieving higher levels of success?
• Does it relate to the things you are most passionate about?

To Quit or Not To Quit

So what happens if you carefully plan, seeking God and interviewing your kids thoroughly, but after a few weeks, they decide it’s not for them? Do you let them quit or make them stick it out?

It all depends.

First, what’s the root of the dissatisfaction? Musical instruments, for example, are not a whole lot of fun at first. Kids go into lessons wanting to be an instant rock star but are quickly disillusioned by the discomfort of practice sessions. When they don’t see immediate results, they get frustrated and want to quit.

If that’s the case, stand your ground and set a minimum time frame--at least six months to a year. It takes that long to see any kind of success.

If the problem is social, and your child doesn’t think he or she fits in, remind him or her of the reason for trying the activity in the first place. Talk to the facilitators to see if they can team your child up with another kid, and if all else fails, set a minimum time frame (maybe one semester). That teaches commitment and gives your child a chance to see if he or she can overcome the struggle. Maybe he or she can recruit another friend to join him or her the following semester.

Our 12-year-old daughter began opera two years ago. The first semester was boring, and she wanted to quit. None of her friends were involved in the program, and the practices were long and tedious. But we knew that she was passionate about singing, and this was a great opportunity to train her voice and give her theater experience. We told her she had to stay for the entire year and make the best of it.

The second semester she had the chance to perform in a main stage production. The costumes and stage design were inspiring, and performing for a live audience in a professional theater was more thrilling than she ever imagined. That year she recruited her two best friends, which made it even better, and now quite of few of her friends have joined the program. After four semesters of performing with the company, she’s earned a little seniority and realizes that if she sticks it out through high school she stands a good chance of landing lead roles.

If your high-schooler struggles to commit to something, you may want to insist he or she stay (especially if you suspect his or her reasons for wanting to leave are purely social), but if he or she realizes early on that the activity is not what he or she expected and there may be other things that better fit his or her interests and talents, don’t hesitate to make the switch. High school is not the time to experiment.

The counsel we provide our kids about extra curricular activities teaches them the importance of stewarding their time. After all, we are not our own; we were bought with a price. And our kids are not our own either; they belong to God. He has entrusted us to train them with excellence—even when it comes to choosing between football and fencing.

Show Me Your Friends, and I’ll Tell You Who You Are

What do your friends reveal about your character and your interests? My grandmother always said, “Show me your friends, and I’ll tell you who you are.” She’s right.

If you met my friend Anne, you’d know I have an artsy, creative side. If you met Randy, you’d see I’m gregarious and strong-willed and fascinated by the nuances of human behavior. Both would reveal that I strive to be authentic. If you met Jody, my business partner and co-author of a book (still in process), you’d know that I aim for a high level of professionalism but that strong relationships and having fun are equally important.

So what do your friends reveal about you? And more to the point, what do your teens’ friends reveal about them?

Last month we talked about using social media to help your kids understand the image they are portraying to the world. We can use those same tools to help our kids evaluate the identity they are forming by the friends they choose.

Proverbs 13:20 tells us that if you walk with the wise, you become wise. But it goes on to say that if you walk with fools you--what? Become fools? No. It says you suffer harm. The King James says those who walk with fools will be destroyed. Yikes!

Here’s a great family Bible study. Read one chapter of Proverbs a day for a month (there are 31 chapters), and ask your kids to notice everything it says about a fool. By the end of the month, they’ll have a pretty sensitive fool radar.

Just to be clear, we’re not talking about being critical or judgmental, and we’re not talking about gossiping and slandering your teen’s friends.  We’re talking about a careful, biblical discernment of character. Let’s teach our kids to love their neighbor and to honor their peers, but to choose their inner circle wisely.

Read 1 Samuel 18-20 with your kids and ask them to evaluate the friendship between David and Jonathan. What words would they use to describe this relationship?

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 shows that God wants us to have friends. Ask your teens what these verses say about true friendship.

Proverbs 27:17 says that friends should sharpen each other, like iron sharpens iron. Do your teen’s closest friends make her stronger, wiser, more creative, more compassionate?

And in light of all she’s learned, what kind of friend is she?

Parenting by the Book – Facebook, That Is

Our kids are native to the digital world, and no matter how tech savvy you may be, if you’ve ever stuck your finger in a hole and swung it around a circle to dial a phone number, you are an immigrant to this land. As immigrant parents of native children, we have to work overtime to learn the language and understand the culture.

On one hand, technology offers our kids great opportunities, but the dark underbelly of cyberspace is subtle and unpredictable, and we have to wisely guard its borders as our children’s allies and mentors -- not as prison guards.

Some parents take the ostrich approach; head in the sand means there’s nothing to worry about. Other parents go militant, banning what they don’t understand. Still others do the helicopter, hovering anxiously, hoping to remove any threats before they do damage.

In spite of its challenges, social media offers a unique opportunity that parents of earlier generations didn’t have. Facebook and Twitter (and all of their digital counterparts) are a window into our teens’ social worlds. It allows us to see them as their friends see them, and as they want their friends to see them. It helps us discern what they value and what their friends value.

Proverbs 22:1 says, “A good name is to be chosen rather than good riches.” God cares about our reputation. Social media can open discussions with our kids about how they are presenting themselves and the kind of reputation they are building.

It starts by knowing how they are using social media and then carefully (and prayerfully) talking to them, remembering our goal is to mentor, not condemn.

Find opportunities to talk. The car is good place, and right before bed is often a good time.

Whenever possible, use the sandwich technique. Open with something genuinely praiseworthy. Then move gently into the concern. Whenever possible, put your concerns in the form of questions, and help kids discover truth for themselves. End with something honest and positive.

Below are some helpful tips from Assemblies of God Youth Pastor Casey Casal at Church of Hope, in Sarasota, Florida.

1. Place the computer in a central location in the home. When computers are accessible to teens in their room, they are more tempted to post and look up inappropriate images.

2. If your child has an inappropriate picture and has not removed it, report the picture. They won’t know who did it, and it gets removed without incident.

3. Know the lingo. Certain letters are used to replace curses. Although not an exhaustive list, some of the more commonly used acronyms to watch for include: “FML,” “LMAO,” “KMA” and “WTF.”

4. You are able to look at most of your child’s friends’ wall posts even if you are not on his or her friends list.

5. Type in a password for your child, so they have to ask permission when they want to get on Facebook.

6. Never open chats from people you don’t know. This could bring in a virus or may be a direct link to pornography.

7. Watch for a site called Formspring.com, which lets people ask and say whatever they want. It can be emotionally abusive and create a forum for depraved conversation.

8. Make sure your child’s contact information is hidden. Child predators look for this information to locate a potential victim. Understand the nuances of the privacy settings, and make sure your child’s account is well protected. Similarly, tell your child to never accept friend requests from people they don’t know.

9. Install a porn filter. K9webprotection.com is free and easy to use. This will help prevent damaging images and content from appearing.